I love my husband dearly. We have been together now six years and have been
By: Cass Chin
through so much heartache and pain. This year we are renewing our vows after being on the threshold of a divorce. There is no one in this world that I love so dearly as my J. But I am at a crossroads with our sex life.
Things have become very bland and predictable. I am the victim of sexual assault as a child and as a young woman. I need a lot of foreplay to get me into the mood and wet enough that intercourse is not painful to me. Besides putting me in the mood, foreplay is a great way for me to feel connected to my husband. In rape, there is never foreplay. So this is something that I desire and need. But our foreplay is almost like a choreographed dance. We start with the kissing, the neck rubbing, and then move onto touching and petting. I try to talk to him about not touching me down there right away as it is painful for some reason. I try to make it clear that going for the clit right away does not turn me on. I like the build-up of emotions and pleasure. I like to have an aching need first. However, he doesn’t listen.
Then I have asked him what feels good to him. I have tried kissing his neck and his sides and abdomen. Apparently his neck and sides are too ticklish for me to kiss or touch. I have tried nibbling on his earlobe with the same results as the sides and neck. Maybe I need more therapy to get over the rape but oral sex for me is a big no-no. I cannot perform because of the horrible flashbacks that it produces. Likewise, I do not ask for oral sex because I don’t think it is fair to receive if I am not willing to give.
Finally, intercourse has become a routine too. It is always missionary and quick to end. He gets off almost immediately and I am left to masturbate to finish. We had some great sex when we first got together but now I feel so empty and lost. I’m scared because the last time I felt this way (with my ex-husband) I went and looked for sexual gratification outside the marriage bed. I know this is not what God wants for my life nor do I want to be the cheating wife again. I feel like I have tried it all. I have asked for more spontaniety, asked for what I wanted, etc. but he is so closed about trying new things. I have asked for dirty talk, asked for him to whisper things in my ear ( like “I want to have sex with you”, or “I want to screw you so bad”), little things to start off with. I am not expecting the hard-core dirty talk with the swear words and “cock”, “pussy”, “fuck”, etc. that comes from knowing a person totally. I know he may never be comfortable with that.
Long story short, tonight when I told him what I wanted he shut down completely and we never had sex. Instead, he went and shaved and I am left here writing this and aching for fulfillment. I can easily log onto a porn site to finish what we started but while it satisfies the physical need it does not satisfy any other need. I find my mind wandering to other men and I am scared. I have looked at wanted ads, just imaging what it would be like if J and I did the things that these other men speak of. It’s not fair to him or to me.
I write this here because I fear that I will look for a sexual gratification outside the home. I have three beautiful children with J and I don’t want to hurt them by cheating nor do I want to hurt the man that is so perfect for me in every other way. I need help to see clearly and advice on how to fix this problem. It is so easy to throw vows out the window but I don’t want that. I don’t want a failed marriage because I couldn’t find the gratification and intimacy that I desire with my wonderful husband. Could any of you help me to figure out what I am to do about this? Thank you for the wonderful stories you all share. I love them all so much…but they make me sad too because I want that for my own marriage. The love and devotion each of you have to your spouse is amazing, inspirational, and something I crave for my own life.
By: Cass Chin
through so much heartache and pain. This year we are renewing our vows after being on the threshold of a divorce. There is no one in this world that I love so dearly as my J. But I am at a crossroads with our sex life.
Things have become very bland and predictable. I am the victim of sexual assault as a child and as a young woman. I need a lot of foreplay to get me into the mood and wet enough that intercourse is not painful to me. Besides putting me in the mood, foreplay is a great way for me to feel connected to my husband. In rape, there is never foreplay. So this is something that I desire and need. But our foreplay is almost like a choreographed dance. We start with the kissing, the neck rubbing, and then move onto touching and petting. I try to talk to him about not touching me down there right away as it is painful for some reason. I try to make it clear that going for the clit right away does not turn me on. I like the build-up of emotions and pleasure. I like to have an aching need first. However, he doesn’t listen.
Then I have asked him what feels good to him. I have tried kissing his neck and his sides and abdomen. Apparently his neck and sides are too ticklish for me to kiss or touch. I have tried nibbling on his earlobe with the same results as the sides and neck. Maybe I need more therapy to get over the rape but oral sex for me is a big no-no. I cannot perform because of the horrible flashbacks that it produces. Likewise, I do not ask for oral sex because I don’t think it is fair to receive if I am not willing to give.
Finally, intercourse has become a routine too. It is always missionary and quick to end. He gets off almost immediately and I am left to masturbate to finish. We had some great sex when we first got together but now I feel so empty and lost. I’m scared because the last time I felt this way (with my ex-husband) I went and looked for sexual gratification outside the marriage bed. I know this is not what God wants for my life nor do I want to be the cheating wife again. I feel like I have tried it all. I have asked for more spontaniety, asked for what I wanted, etc. but he is so closed about trying new things. I have asked for dirty talk, asked for him to whisper things in my ear ( like “I want to have sex with you”, or “I want to screw you so bad”), little things to start off with. I am not expecting the hard-core dirty talk with the swear words and “cock”, “pussy”, “fuck”, etc. that comes from knowing a person totally. I know he may never be comfortable with that.
Long story short, tonight when I told him what I wanted he shut down completely and we never had sex. Instead, he went and shaved and I am left here writing this and aching for fulfillment. I can easily log onto a porn site to finish what we started but while it satisfies the physical need it does not satisfy any other need. I find my mind wandering to other men and I am scared. I have looked at wanted ads, just imaging what it would be like if J and I did the things that these other men speak of. It’s not fair to him or to me.
I write this here because I fear that I will look for a sexual gratification outside the home. I have three beautiful children with J and I don’t want to hurt them by cheating nor do I want to hurt the man that is so perfect for me in every other way. I need help to see clearly and advice on how to fix this problem. It is so easy to throw vows out the window but I don’t want that. I don’t want a failed marriage because I couldn’t find the gratification and intimacy that I desire with my wonderful husband. Could any of you help me to figure out what I am to do about this? Thank you for the wonderful stories you all share. I love them all so much…but they make me sad too because I want that for my own marriage. The love and devotion each of you have to your spouse is amazing, inspirational, and something I crave for my own life.
