Sexual Negotiations – Done with Love

Do all husbands and wives agree on what they want to do sexually? Unfortunately not.

Sometimes the wife is wanting to explore new sexual vistas – but the husband wants to stay with the same, regular pattern. Or it is the husband who is dying to try something that his wife will not do.

For Christians, the limits of our freedom are to be set by the Scriptures. Yet, in a marriage you still can’t do things that your spouse – for whatever reasons – does not feel free to do. Perhaps a spouse knows he or she has the freedom – but for personal preference reasons – does not want to engage in certain acts.

So, they don’t move to new vistas because they are not in agreement.

The wife who has unfulfilled fantasies may be frustrated by what she thinks is an unreasonable and selfish husband. The husband who wants his wife to do things she won’t do – might begin to think – “if she really wanted to please me, she would not withhold anything.”

In fact, the unsatisfied spouse might begin to see this as being a manifestation of a kind of selfishness on the part of the less willing spouse. While, the less willing may charge the more adventurous spouse with the same selfish attitude. It ends being a stalemate.

Then, as both get entrenched – they may quit talking about it altogether. That’s if they were ever even talking about it before.

So, is all of this no big deal? Should couples just be happy for whatever sex they have? Is it unbecoming of a Christian to want more variety – even after many years of sex in marriage? Is it simply worldly to want to expand to new sexual vistas?

I would encourage readers to read elsewhere on MH in defense of a wider sexual repertoire  – in light of Song of Solomon (Also read the book: “Intimacy Ignited” by Dillow & Pintus). I believe Song of Solomon – in the Old Testament – does give a biblical rationale for more variety and not less.

If more variety is justifiable, then how do married couples lovingly maneuver through this potentially difficult and even frustrating minefield?

First, they are to love one another. They are to give one another preference over themselves. Philippians 2:3-4 says,

 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Thus, if both spouses are under the umbrella of this biblical teaching – both will be looking to please the other. Yet, the passage does not mean that we don’t have interests of our own.

A spouse may not want to engage in a particular sex act for a number of reasons. Perhaps it might be related to some kind of abuse earlier in life or from a previous marriage. There might be physical pain issues involved. There might be a smell, taste, or texture issue that is not easy to overcome.

So, there might be a spouse who sincerely wishes he or she could fulfill a spouse’s fantasy – but can’t due to an inability to overcome a very legitimate fear or pain.

Some spouses have poor biblical understanding and don’t know their freedom. Their default sexual norms are based on a number of factors – including what their perceived sexual norms were from home or even a church that holds to sexual minimalism.

One of the blessings of MH is not only reading of other couple’s experiences – but a number of the stories contain biblical content. I am free to eat and drink from my wife’s pussy because of Song of Solomon 4:16-5:1. Her “garden” is delectable and I want to get “drunk” on her juices. My cock is free to be sucked by her beautiful mouth because of Song of Solomon 2:3 – as she “tastes my fruit.”

We fantasize of our sex as they do (both as married and before their marriage) in Song of Solomon 1-3. They fantasize about each other’s individual body parts! It is not just the man who is hot for her boobs. Both the man and the woman are sexually stimulated by each other’s bodies and the joys of sex. It is God’s design – not perversion