Do you know what the Mommy/Daddy dance is? Most parents have danced this dance and probably didn’t even know there was a name for it. Though the steps aren’t difficult, much patience is required because it can be so difficult that few have ever completed this dance until many, many years later. It goes like this. Mommy and Daddy must both be naked, engaged in some ‘lovin’ when they hear a small voice say “what are you doing?” You instantly look up, madly try to cover up, and see your 4 or 5 year old daughter watching you intently. Instead of doing what comes naturally to you and throw a shoe at the offending creature, you simply say “oh, we’re doing the Mommy/Daddy dance. “What kind of dance is that? You’re supposed to be standing up when you dance.” You reply, (acting ever so nonchalantly) “it’s a special dance that only Mommies and Daddies do.
“I want to dance too,” the child declares.
“NO!” you both yell much too loudly at the same time. “Mommy and Daddy only dance together; it’s far too difficult for someone as small as you to do.”
“Then can I watch?”
“NO!” Much louder this time, startling the poor child into quiet sobbing, for now dance time is over.
Our 4 year old nephew once told an entire party of adults in the middle of dinner that he once saw his Daddy ‘tickling’ his Mommy. They wouldn’t let him play too, but he said that his Mommy made funny noises when she was tickled. Noises like unhhh, unhhh, oh yes! Unhhh. They, of course, were doing the Mommy/Daddy dance. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a 4 year old boy trying to imitate these kinds of sounds. Needless to say, all dinner conversation ceased. After the laughter stopped and people tried to compose themselves, my poor sister-in-law wanting to crawl under the table and throttle her son, the dinner conversation resumed and it turned out to be one of the best dinner parties ever. But to this day, our nephew will try to tickle his Mother just to hear her make those noises.
In case you don’t know the intricate steps to the Mommy/Daddy dance, let me list them in order. After which you too, (or two) will be perfectly trained. Then go ahead and give it a try. The worst it can do is to cause you some slight embarrassment and maybe some long-lasting emotional scaring on the soul of the child.
Step 1
Begin around noon preparing the child for bedtime. You know, keeping them from any naps, and taking them to the park to run all of the energy out so that they will be tired and ready to go to bed at a reasonable time. This is step 1, but it is really only an urban myth perpetuated by mothers who already near the edge of insanity.
Step 2
Put the child to bed about 5:pm knowing that it is futile but hoping for total shutdown around 8:pm. This should give you time for a quick shower, some special lovin’ and a normal bedtime for you both. Again, another myth, but go ahead and try anyway. It will make you feel like you really are in charge.
Step 3
8:30 pm. Read just one more bedtime story. 8:40 Get a glass of water for child, and maybe something a little stiffer for you. 8:50
“Daddy! I want to tell you something!”
“Go to sleep.”
“I don’t want to go to sleep!”
“Go to sleep, don’t make me come in there!” By the way, threats don’t really work at bedtime.
“Why can’t Mommy lay with me?”
“Mommy’s busy.” Yeah right, busy taking a hot bath, relaxing with a cold drink and probably candles, probably shaving her legs, or maybe shaving something else. (You’re hoping for the something else) all the while you have to deal with this little evil bedtime genius that you only have yourself to blame for creating.
“I WANT MOMMY!”
“Mommy’s busy, if you don’t be quiet then I’m going to come in there and you don’t want that!” Stupid you, this is exactly what the child wants.
“BUT I WANT MOMMY!” crying now.
Most good Daddies have a difficult time ignoring a daughters crying for very long, so you grit your teeth, hike up you drawers and head in. But no self-respecting man has ever knowingly entered a war dressed only in his skivvies. And so all thoughts of this battle scourged from your mind you enter prepared for negotiations. “What do you want?” you quietly say, “Mommy’s taking a bath.” There, that sounds reasonable enough.
“I want my____________dolly, teddy bear, baseball, fire truck, pet snake, whatever it is; it’s probably uncomfortable to sleep with. My daughter always slept with an entire collection of Barbie Dolls. I woke up many times feeling like I’ve been drilled in the back with a fence post only to find that my daughter thought that maybe I wanted to sleep with one of her dolls as well. A Barbie arm or leg feels much like a 3 ½ inch deck screw when it’s in the middle of your back. But kids, they will sleep with anything. Don’t believe me? After your child wakes in the morning, just turn back the covers and see if you don’t find something like a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich, or a pet worm, or their favorite shirt or even worse, Bubble-gum. But remember, in this instance it’s not about things, it’s about control. So be a man, be strong and stand up to her, Oh hell, fight or no fight you are destined to lose any way, you might as well just give into her and hope it will all be over soon. And with that the child hugs and kisses you goodnight and is fast asleep before you are out the door. Go figure.
Finally, 10:25 Daddy is naked, Mommy is naked and you are preparing to do some “dancing” when you hear a small voice from the other room say,
“Mommy didn’t kiss me goodnight.”
Mommy says, “I’ll handle this, don’t worry, I’ll be right back.” And with that she gets up, puts on her robe and disappears along with your proud erection, out the door….. 11:15… Where the heck is she? You tiptoe into the child’s room only to find Mommy asleep cuddled up next to the child. You wake her and she says how sorry she is but now she’s really tired and can we wait until tomorrow? So it’s back to bed where Mommy instantly begins lightly snoring while you, still semi-aroused are left with your dirty thoughts about what you were planning with Mommy. So you take things in hand and…. No, you gave that up years ago. Still,… no, just roll over and try your best to sleep.
Step 4
You wait…
Week 1…No Time
Week 2…No Time
Week 3…Lots of time but period week, Damn it!
Week 4…See step 1
After you get over the immediate shock of your wife suggesting that she’d like a little ‘alone time’ with you, and after successfully negotiating steps 1 – 4, you are now ready for the final step.
Step 5
House secure…check
Child asleep… check and double check
Mommy relaxed (partially drunk may help)…check
Bedroom door securely locked…check, although you’re not sure but maybe your child has the ability to walk through doors, or materialize where ever she wants. After all, it’s happened before.
Both naked…check
Foreplay…check
State of arousal…all systems green for go.
At last! Mommy is on top of you, head thrown back, eyes closed, riding you like you don’t even exist, only her and this train of pleasure you are both experiencing, when suddenly you hear………
Such is the Mommy/Daddy dance, but never fear, there is hope. In 6 or 7 more years your daughter will arrive at the age when
“eewe, my parents don’t do that, that’s gross.”
And she won’t ever come into your room again except to ask for money, then and only then can the Mommy/Daddy dance reach its climatic end.
But I’ve told you all of that so that you can better understand this: There are 2 more dances that each Daddy must dance, both more powerful and more wonderful then the Mommy/Daddy dance.
The day will come when that daughter, who annoyed you so much just a few short years ago, will come to you and say, “Daddy, it’s time, dance me down the aisle?” And you will tearfully take her by the arm and begin the dance knowing that at the end of this dance she will begin her own Mommy/Daddy dance where the two of them will start the process all over again. Until you hear, “Daddy, it’s a girl! She has your eyes.” And life begins a new dance.
So what about your Mommy/Daddy dances? Well, that dance only gets better too.
“I want to dance too,” the child declares.
“NO!” you both yell much too loudly at the same time. “Mommy and Daddy only dance together; it’s far too difficult for someone as small as you to do.”
“Then can I watch?”
“NO!” Much louder this time, startling the poor child into quiet sobbing, for now dance time is over.
Our 4 year old nephew once told an entire party of adults in the middle of dinner that he once saw his Daddy ‘tickling’ his Mommy. They wouldn’t let him play too, but he said that his Mommy made funny noises when she was tickled. Noises like unhhh, unhhh, oh yes! Unhhh. They, of course, were doing the Mommy/Daddy dance. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a 4 year old boy trying to imitate these kinds of sounds. Needless to say, all dinner conversation ceased. After the laughter stopped and people tried to compose themselves, my poor sister-in-law wanting to crawl under the table and throttle her son, the dinner conversation resumed and it turned out to be one of the best dinner parties ever. But to this day, our nephew will try to tickle his Mother just to hear her make those noises.
In case you don’t know the intricate steps to the Mommy/Daddy dance, let me list them in order. After which you too, (or two) will be perfectly trained. Then go ahead and give it a try. The worst it can do is to cause you some slight embarrassment and maybe some long-lasting emotional scaring on the soul of the child.
Step 1
Begin around noon preparing the child for bedtime. You know, keeping them from any naps, and taking them to the park to run all of the energy out so that they will be tired and ready to go to bed at a reasonable time. This is step 1, but it is really only an urban myth perpetuated by mothers who already near the edge of insanity.
Step 2
Put the child to bed about 5:pm knowing that it is futile but hoping for total shutdown around 8:pm. This should give you time for a quick shower, some special lovin’ and a normal bedtime for you both. Again, another myth, but go ahead and try anyway. It will make you feel like you really are in charge.
Step 3
8:30 pm. Read just one more bedtime story. 8:40 Get a glass of water for child, and maybe something a little stiffer for you. 8:50
“Daddy! I want to tell you something!”
“Go to sleep.”
“I don’t want to go to sleep!”
“Go to sleep, don’t make me come in there!” By the way, threats don’t really work at bedtime.
“Why can’t Mommy lay with me?”
“Mommy’s busy.” Yeah right, busy taking a hot bath, relaxing with a cold drink and probably candles, probably shaving her legs, or maybe shaving something else. (You’re hoping for the something else) all the while you have to deal with this little evil bedtime genius that you only have yourself to blame for creating.
“I WANT MOMMY!”
“Mommy’s busy, if you don’t be quiet then I’m going to come in there and you don’t want that!” Stupid you, this is exactly what the child wants.
“BUT I WANT MOMMY!” crying now.
Most good Daddies have a difficult time ignoring a daughters crying for very long, so you grit your teeth, hike up you drawers and head in. But no self-respecting man has ever knowingly entered a war dressed only in his skivvies. And so all thoughts of this battle scourged from your mind you enter prepared for negotiations. “What do you want?” you quietly say, “Mommy’s taking a bath.” There, that sounds reasonable enough.
“I want my____________dolly, teddy bear, baseball, fire truck, pet snake, whatever it is; it’s probably uncomfortable to sleep with. My daughter always slept with an entire collection of Barbie Dolls. I woke up many times feeling like I’ve been drilled in the back with a fence post only to find that my daughter thought that maybe I wanted to sleep with one of her dolls as well. A Barbie arm or leg feels much like a 3 ½ inch deck screw when it’s in the middle of your back. But kids, they will sleep with anything. Don’t believe me? After your child wakes in the morning, just turn back the covers and see if you don’t find something like a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich, or a pet worm, or their favorite shirt or even worse, Bubble-gum. But remember, in this instance it’s not about things, it’s about control. So be a man, be strong and stand up to her, Oh hell, fight or no fight you are destined to lose any way, you might as well just give into her and hope it will all be over soon. And with that the child hugs and kisses you goodnight and is fast asleep before you are out the door. Go figure.
Finally, 10:25 Daddy is naked, Mommy is naked and you are preparing to do some “dancing” when you hear a small voice from the other room say,
“Mommy didn’t kiss me goodnight.”
Mommy says, “I’ll handle this, don’t worry, I’ll be right back.” And with that she gets up, puts on her robe and disappears along with your proud erection, out the door….. 11:15… Where the heck is she? You tiptoe into the child’s room only to find Mommy asleep cuddled up next to the child. You wake her and she says how sorry she is but now she’s really tired and can we wait until tomorrow? So it’s back to bed where Mommy instantly begins lightly snoring while you, still semi-aroused are left with your dirty thoughts about what you were planning with Mommy. So you take things in hand and…. No, you gave that up years ago. Still,… no, just roll over and try your best to sleep.
Step 4
You wait…
Week 1…No Time
Week 2…No Time
Week 3…Lots of time but period week, Damn it!
Week 4…See step 1
After you get over the immediate shock of your wife suggesting that she’d like a little ‘alone time’ with you, and after successfully negotiating steps 1 – 4, you are now ready for the final step.
Step 5
House secure…check
Child asleep… check and double check
Mommy relaxed (partially drunk may help)…check
Bedroom door securely locked…check, although you’re not sure but maybe your child has the ability to walk through doors, or materialize where ever she wants. After all, it’s happened before.
Both naked…check
Foreplay…check
State of arousal…all systems green for go.
At last! Mommy is on top of you, head thrown back, eyes closed, riding you like you don’t even exist, only her and this train of pleasure you are both experiencing, when suddenly you hear………
Such is the Mommy/Daddy dance, but never fear, there is hope. In 6 or 7 more years your daughter will arrive at the age when
“eewe, my parents don’t do that, that’s gross.”
And she won’t ever come into your room again except to ask for money, then and only then can the Mommy/Daddy dance reach its climatic end.
But I’ve told you all of that so that you can better understand this: There are 2 more dances that each Daddy must dance, both more powerful and more wonderful then the Mommy/Daddy dance.
The day will come when that daughter, who annoyed you so much just a few short years ago, will come to you and say, “Daddy, it’s time, dance me down the aisle?” And you will tearfully take her by the arm and begin the dance knowing that at the end of this dance she will begin her own Mommy/Daddy dance where the two of them will start the process all over again. Until you hear, “Daddy, it’s a girl! She has your eyes.” And life begins a new dance.
So what about your Mommy/Daddy dances? Well, that dance only gets better too.
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